Let’s be clear on something.
After more than a month work and knowing that some 60% of the required Nepali footage for Headwind is in the pocket I feel like running into a brick wall. Funds are lacking and I am homesick. The first is curable, the second is incurable. I miss my loved ones. But I miss more than that. I miss ‘the loved one’, that single extra special person in my life with whom I could share thoughts, experiences and adventures with. She just isn’t in my life today.
Thing is, and most of my friends know that, I am not a solo player. I cannot imagine myself being the loner I am right now. I love what I do and I am willing to sacrifice everything for what I create and do to make this world a little bit better. But although new friendships grow and I enjoy that very much it doesn’t bring me what I need most. In the end, even my work is just work. Life is something that should be more than that and in most aspects it is. But how wonderful would it be to be able to share and to fall asleep in the arms of a loved one.
In a project like the making of this documentary that I am working on there are the inevitable setbacks. When they occur I simply am not able to counter them totally on my own. A little help from that one person that really understands me is than very much needed. But alas, I am working here on my own. It should have been so much different. After all, some nine months ago there were plans for a marriage that should have taken place in April. But it turned out to be a big failure. I still feel betrayed even after all those months. I suppose I am just to complicated to live with. Maybe because if that special person would be here she would be assured of my true love and dedication. Most people seem not to be able to live in such a relationship I guess. Also, that other person should be able to enjoy my lifestyle and the adventure that is part of that. It would for most persons mean sacrifying luxury and wealth for a simple life of improvisation and dedication. Most people seem not to be capable of that.
So there I am, with some setbacks to deal with and a slightly dropping motivation for what I am doing. But I’ll get over it. As a friend learned me on a Budapest bridge I comfort myself with the song from Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush. And after listening to that I feel better. Tomorrow I shall be up to the tasks ahead. Making the greatest product in my life. Because giving up, it’s simply not in my system to do so. Here are just a few selected lines from this song that are so much on the spot for how I feel tonight, maybe you’ll understand that every word counts:
I’ve changed my face
I’ve changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose
Though I saw it all around
Never thought that I could be affected
Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground
Rest your head
You worry too much
It’s going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Got to walk out of here
I cannot take anymore
Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
‘Cause I believe there’s a place
There’s a place where we belong
So I guess I’ll be all right when morning breaks. The medicine of this song still works.
Alice © 2011