The second Rabbit Hole – My room with a view.
Ray Montagne sings it in the background.
Don’t let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don’t try
Don’t let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there’s a strength that liesDon’t let your soul get lonely child
It’s only time, it will go by
Don’t look for love in faces, places
It’s in you, that’s where you’ll find kindness
Don’t look for love in faces, places… I guess that’s the lesson I’ve learned. In this early morning, after a coffee and a cigarette with my roommate who lives her life as I live mine on the same floor of the old house, I watch the sun playing with shadows through the small leaves of the birch tree outside my window. And I reflect upon my life as I live in a room with a view.
Is this place a stop like just another bus stop on a long journey or is it a destination for a long time to come. I am not sure but for the first time in many years it really feels like the latter. Somehow making this room I have in this house where I live mine was the easiest thing to do. Mainly because of that sunlight and the notion that I had to move from a much larger place just a room and an annex would force me to go to my core. Leave troubles and non essential goods behind. And I did. This place has everything I value when it comes to matter in it. I don’t need anything else. When I go back to the old place and see all the things there I realize that I don’t really need anything of it. I still have a month to empty that left over of past times and the longer it takes the lesser I want to bring anything from there to here.
Opposite me on the chaise longue, my cat lies snoring quietly. Melancholic music fills the room matching the exact mood I am in. My thoughts go back through the past ten years that were for a large part dominated by loss. Loss of both my parents, loss of a marriage and family life, loss of a fully functional body, loss of money, wealth and so many things not important. Sure, there was gain too. Gain in becoming who I am today, gain in enjoying matching physical and mental identities and gain of creativity to an extend that I had never imagined. I’ve become the artist I wanted to be without knowing it. And in my mind I add it all up with an outcome that feels good. Later this morning, the first summer weekend in the fall, I will go wandering the streets of the city, visit a second hand shop and go to the palace garden with a book and some music as my company. I know already that it is going to be a beautiful day. Maybe one of the best in this city so far. So I wander to the kitchen, make some sandwiches, give the cat some food and go. At least now there’s a place to come back to that feels safe… my new rabbit hole, my room with a view.
Alice © 2011