Shall I?

I have no experience in this. Like most people this simply never happened to me and so I never had reason to think about what to do and what is needed to make it come true. My mother died almost two years ago and it changed my life. I had become an orphan since my father passed away ten years ago. When your father dies it leaves a gap but when your mother dies it leaves a vault. A gap that is so big that there is now way it can be filled. Since then there is no elder who can guide me, advice me on what to do or not to do. No one related to me that has enough authority to question my decisions or my feelings. No one to let me make that reality check that parents often force upon their childrens ideas.

So I changed my life once more. I started working on things that no one seemed to care about. A book and a film about a group of people in a far away land to whom I do not have any relationship or obligation. A group in danger of being forgotten in history, washed away in time and overlooked by politics and media. A group of people of no importance to the selfish western world. And  I went there. I’ve been to the camps, talked to them, interviewed them, filmed their life in those horrendous camps. Filmed their new life in my country, freshly started after resettlement. And while in the country where their camps are I lost my heart. Nepal grabbed it to keep it.

Deze slideshow heeft JavaScript nodig.

I lost my heart first to the cause of unveiling the reality of the Bhutanese exiles to the world that’s so uninformed or misinformed about what has happened and how things are. And while working there I lost my heart to the land itself. To the amazing beauty of the Terai flatlands filled with rice fields and field of mustarde plants or sesame plants. With mountains in the distance hiding the dramatic landscape in the north while in the monsoon these mountains bring clouds filled with rain. The land of fireflies in summer dancing and hovering above the fields while the mango’s are ripe and pregnant of sweet and tasty juices. Coconut trees around the farms keeping the house cool and protected from wind and heat. With only a water well and a few hours of electricity available for the daily needs. And in the end I lost my heart for the third time to someone very special.

So here I am in the cold wet winter underneath grey skies and with a nightly frost on the streets. In the middel of a city with cars, trams, busses and bikes. With buildings higher than three storeys and offices everywhere where people go in in the morning and come out in the afternoon. A meaningless city. On my editing desk is a computer and a big screen. They show me images of rice fields and bamboo huts, the speakers let me hear the sounds of the camps, the towns and the landscape. I hear birds again, thousands. Sometimes so loud that they cover the sounds of the crickets and the people. Without knowing I can even smell the food being prepared and that so typical smell of a small farm. I smell the woodwork of the house and my feet feel the planks creaking and bending while my mind steps on them. Someone makes tea with too much sugar in it and when evening falls it only takes a few hours before the power goes and load shedding starts throwing darkness over the place. Candles and little oil lamps are suddenly there and the voices dim. The two of us leave for our room, the door closes and the conversation becomes more intimate. We talk and talk, knowing that in the end I will have to leave. Both of us not wanting to think of that moment that is inevitably there.

I wake up from my daydream and switch on my computer, checking a website. She’s there. We chat. And I know it’s a matter of time and effort and decisions to be made before we will be together again. I know, she knows, that we will. Some day soon. Will it be forgood? Shall I make the decision? Shall I go? Shall I? Can I accept that the decision is actually already made by me? It only takes one decision to go. Just one decision. I guess I made it when I left sometime ago. She knows, and I know, what will happen next.

Alice © 2012

2 thoughts on “Shall I?

  1. I am not sure you posted the correct link. But we both know you have already decided to return. I would be surprised if you would not. Executing the decision is another story, with new challenges because you now have someone to live with/for. There, and in a different sense here.
    I would really check the necessities of a longer stay there, find yourself a way to live that fits your mind as well as your heart. Last time you did have ideas for that. Then continue down that road, peek into side roads if you must, but be not only emotionally true to yourself but also practically, ‘sober’.
    Maybe I should point you to the queer art of failure: “Fail again, fail better” and maybe you’ll stop caring for that😉

Reacties zijn gesloten.